Fangless

New Moon
Directed by Chris Weitz
Starring Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner, and Robert Pattinson
1/5 stars

Before seeing New Moon, the second of four film instalments (as I’m sure you all know) in what is being marketed as The Twilight Saga, I took Oprah’s online Twilight quiz. I was reading an interview with Stephenie Meyer, the pitiful author of the vampire books on which the films are based, and was diverted by a rather innocuous question: “Are you a Twi-hard?” I thought, sometimes I try hard, but now that you’ve asked, I really want to know what you think, Oprah. Needless to say, I scored a dismal 8/20. I think I just became the laughing stock of the girl's washroom in every middle school in the country. I’m seriously tempted to engage in a campaign to alter the pop culture vernacular and dwindle “Twi” down to simply “Twit.”

I figured there must be some substance to this Twilight pandemonium that is capturing the imagination of herds of indiscriminate youth. The Harry Potter series worked because it was, well, magical. It borrowed well from fantasy and literature canons; it successfully explored suitable aspects of human nature and the human condition; it was reflexive and critical; and it was downright engaging. Upon seeing New Moon, I was unsurprisingly disappointed to learn that Twilight has done none of these things.

I tried to figure it out, I really did. There were even some aspects of the film I enjoyed. For example, Kristen Stewart should be applauded for practically carrying this film on her back. Dominating the screen time, she made Bella Swan’s deeply troubling depression believable and turned otherwise contrived dialogue into natural speech. And the young Taylor Lautner is a promising actor; his scenes with Bella are somewhat cute.

But the storytelling is just bad. I mean, the characters look at each other with glances that suggest they're all living in a secret world where only the film's target audience knows what the hell is happening. For the rest of us, the narrative just doesn't have the strength for the film to go anywhere. Simply responding that "well, it's in the book" isn't adequate. If the film can't stand on its own then it is no longer a film but a marketing device.

Bella is in love with the vampire Edward Cullen (Pattinson) who leaves town to protect her. She struggles to grapple with his abandonment and takes solace by developing her friendship with Jacob, who either inexplicably turns into a werewolf mid-film or he was a werewolf all along, I really don’t know. Her feelings are conflicted and ambiguous, whereas Jacob’s feelings are clear: he is infatuated with her. The film certainly suggests that this is a “love triangle,” which was troubling, as Pattinson's character is absent for large portions of the film. This ploy is an example of how New Moon tries to masquerade clichéd internal conflict with compelling external conflict.

The uninteresting climax occurs in Italy, something about a vampire covenant. There is little action, no one dies, and all that results is that Edward returns to Forks, Washington. The audience is reminded again about the rivalry between werewolves and vampires — don’t worry, they have a pact! — a rivalry which appears to neither resolve nor augment itself by film's end, and Edward informs Bella that a condition of her becoming a vampire is that they must marry. That's the movie.

The film attempts inter-textuality with Romeo and Juliet. Thinking Bella is dead, Edward plans to kill himself before Bella conveniently arrives to stop him. There is no sacrifice in this movie — this is a major problem. Edward's initial abandonment itself could have been sacrificial, but it isn't fulfilled properly to be poetic.

So nothing ends up happening in the movie. We're back where we started: Bella is in an unclear relationship with Edward but it's deeply complicated; Jacob remains a third wheel; and the battle remains unchanged between vampires and werewolves. The fact that the narrative (if you can call it a narrative) has come full circle isn't necessarily a problem in and of itself, but it becomes a huge problem when neither the audience nor the characters really develop along the way.

Because of this role, Robert Pattinson has developed a love-him-or-hate-him following. “He’s got something about him,” Meyer remarked. “He doesn’t look like everybody else.” I suppose that's what happens when you cast the unacknolwedged, lost, coked-up son of Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love.

Why is Bella in love with Edward? He’s not charming, he’s definitely not funny, and although I don’t find Pattinson unattractive, that vampire makeup is just awful on him. Also, he’s a vampire. I would never date a vampire. Ever. A robot, maybe, but not a vampire.

I don’t even know why these books are popular. Meyer was a suburban, stay-at-home mom who one day had a dream about a girl who fell in love with a vampire. Sounds like the makings of a Harlequin romance. Wait, this is the best part: “There was a different ending to New Moon originally,” she says. “[The plot] was [originally] very much all in Bella’s head.” Meyer changed the ending because “[her] mom told [her] it would be better [another] way.” The original ending was “it was all a dream!” before your mother told you to change it?! Jesus.

Kudos for following through on a story about which you were passionate and receiving significant levels of success because of it without even having a foot in the door in the writing world. Such success even marks a significant turning point in the early years of our new millennium, as it would have been impossible for a female writer in previous eras to do the same thing unless they were super talented and witty wordsmiths. Maybe we are the verge of a new moon here — and it's not without its irony.

Singing in the Rain!

Perhaps one of the best parts about getting to spend a few moments with the Toronto indie septet Ohbijou at Hamilton’s recent first annual James St. N. Supercrawl was that it was under a roof. “It’s raining you guys,” was all vocalist/guitarist Casey Mecija, barraged by a sea of umbrellas from the crowd, and with the most charming and innocent disposition possible, could muster between songs during her band’s set. “Oh my goodness, I’m sorry I can’t stop talking about the rain,” she laughed a few moments later, “but it’s so awesome you guys are sticking it out for this great event.”

Melancholic weather notwithstanding, it’s no surprise that Ohbijou was there to stick it out too. Born out of Toronto’s ballooning indie, community-driven music scene, they fit the bill perfectly for the Supercrawl, an art and music celebration which had part of James. St. N. closed.

Ohbijou of course is used to being labelled as the “epicentre”—to use NOW magazine’s term—of an emerging DYI-style scene. In 2007 the band orchestrated the Friends in Bellwoods compilation album, named after the bandmates’ former Bellwoods Ave. home in Toronto, where many of the songs were actually recorded. The band is naturally humble about all of the praise. “The thing is, ‘community’ is such a loaded term,” Mecija explained. “The house served as a hub for us and all of are friends, a place for us to play music and get together. We’ve met a lot of awesome people and it was mostly just our friends coming over to our house to jam and play music.”

In August, Friends in Bellwoods II was released, further solidifying Ohbijou as a rising force in Toronto’s indie community. “(The album) is definitely an extension of the first one,” said Mecija. “It all originated from the house and it was a great experience to just get together and make music with our friends. And all of the proceeds go to the Toronto Food Bank, which is a great cause.”

Beacons, the band’s second full-length album, was also released over the summer, and the album shows a much more nuanced maturity over the eclectic indie/pop mix found on their debut, 2006’s Swift Feet for Troubling Times. “The recording sessions for this album were different because we’ve learned a lot since the last one,” bassist Heather Kirby told me. “We took a couple of trips outside of the city and really separated ourselves from everyday life for a while.”

Kirby, along with Mecija, cellist Anissa Hart, and mandolinist Andrew Kinoshita, were all quick to credit the Indie Band Residency they experienced at the Banff Centre for the Arts—where they were one of three bands chosen by the Alberta-based Centre to spend two weeks developing as a band and work with top producers and engineers. “It made a huge difference and it was definitely a very involved process that impacted our last album,” says Kirby.

“We also didn’t need to worry about impressing anyone there or playing any shows or anything like that,” adds Kinoshita. “It was great to work with so many professionals and they had such an amazing setup there. It was a great experience.”

Ohbijou, who is rounded out by Mecija’s sister Jenny on violin, James Bunton on drums, and Ryan Carley on piano, certainly have been making a lot of headway over the past several months. In partnership with CBC Radio 3 and Exclaim! magazine, Aux.tv chose them as the X3 artist of the month for August, and their new music video for the song “New Years” is now getting regular airplay on MuchMusic. Hart credited the Exploding Motor Car company for producing the aesthetically innovative music video: “I’m more excited for the people that made that video, because they worked so hard on it, and I’m just really glad how it came out and how people are having the opportunity to see it.”

The band acknowledges the difficulties that come along with more mainstream attention but is excited about the opportunities. “The more people that are listening to our music and appreciating it is a great thing,” says Kirby. “I think anytime you have more people listening to music and appreciating music is a good thing.”

“Can you guys see yourselves becoming the next Tegan and Sara, or the next Feist, or the next Lights, and if so, is that intimidating at all?” At this question the band seemed to reveal some vulnerability, but Mecija’s humble, easy-going answer prevailed and showed why Ohbijou is making such a dent in the indie scene. “We have a lot of things we need to do. For one, we need to work on making a really good next album. All of the musicians you just named are very successful artists, so it would be amazing to be at their calibre. I just look forward to whatever comes next for us.”

Stereos: Misery Signal

Stereos is an anomaly in the music industry, that much is certain, and to some their success is even confusing. Even their name itself is disorienting. Stereos used to be Turn It Up, and The Turn It Ups’ biggest influence was The Stereo. See, you’re confused already, aren’t you? Even they were surprised by that playful connection when I mentioned it to them. "That's like some Nardwuar shit right there," they half-joked in response.

Yes, this band is huge today, but just a few short months ago they were nobodies. “We started out by touring B.C. and Alberta but absolutely nobody would travel out to those shows. To be honest, even in our hometown (Edmonton) we were having trouble getting even one hundred kids out to a show,” lead singer Pat Kordyback confessed to me, in a heavily guarded-off, intimidating gothic-styled basement room after his band had just performed an outdoor concert. The window curtains were closed tightly to prevent passersby even a glimpse (even outside of the windows there was a security guard), and the room stunk of dozens of half-eaten bags of chips and rotting dips and salsas. Yes, this band has come a long way.

But not without controversy, and lots of it.

“There’s definitely a stigma attached to the fact that we had a reality show,” Kordyback notes in reference to the MuchMusic program DisBAND, Stereos’ big break. “The thing is, we did not win the reality show. It wasn’t a competition. There was no guarantee of anything. We had the same shot as every other band.”

However, it isn’t how Stereos was discovered that bothers most critics as much as it is their music, especially in regards to their image. They look punk, but they sound nowhere near it. Kordyback laughs it all off with a shrug. “I write music that I want to hear. What band doesn’t write what they want to hear? I think that’s the great thing about us, is that we don’t sound like we look, and because of that people are either going to love us or hate us. I’d rather be a love/hate band than just kind of be in the middle.”

Matt Wells, DisBAND’s resident punk rock judge, was the first in a long line of critics to attack Stereos’ music: “It’s like punk-rock Jonas Brothers and I fucking hate it.”

Kordyback was quick to point out though that Wells’ personal opinion wasn’t what mattered. “The question was whether or not we have a chance, and in his speech he gives about five reasons why we do. So he didn’t really answer the question properly.”

The band’s use of Auto-Tune, the audio processor that automatically corrects pitch, primarily in vocal performances, does seem to add fuel to the fire, especially considering how much of a hot topic Auto-Tune has become in the music world.

“Well we use it as an effect, we don’t use it to cover up anything,” Kordyback says to defend himself. “What people don’t know is how much harder it is to sing with it live, because it’s a pitch corrector, and if you’re pitchy, it will make you sound that much worse. We have a few songs that have Auto-Tune, but we also have just as many that don’t have Auto-Tune.”

For a band that has been in the spotlight for such a short period of time, it is almost extraordinary how much debate they have been able to rack up, and one incident in particular had a lot of online message boards fuming: the so-called Misery Signals Rip-Off.

“Yeah, we’re really ripping off Misery Signals,” Kordyback chuckled sarcastically.

Not long ago, Stereos released a t-shirt design that looked similar to the Edmonton Oilers logo. Problem is, the post-hardcore band Misery Signals did it first.

“Look, I’m a huge Misery Signals fan,” explains Kordyback. “But, it’s hilarious, I mean, we’re from Edmonton, and Misery Signals is from Wisconsin. We are hands down the biggest hockey fans and sports fans you will ever meet.” Perhaps he makes a good point, but, although most of Misery Signals is indeed from Wisconsin, Kordyback shares the same hometown as one of their guitarists: St. Albert, Alberta.

All misery aside, Kordyback tries to focus on the positives, such as the touring success of his band, especially without an LP or even an EP. “The crowds’ response has been crazy. (The music industry’s) almost gone back to when it started, you know, bands in the 1950s would have one song and would put out a single, and they toured off that. It really opens your eyes to how the industry is becoming cyclical. We’ve got two singles out right now and I can’t wait to drop the album.”

The band’s debut, self-titled album is due out Oct. 20, and they worked with Juno award-winning producer Gavin Brown of Billy Talent, Three Days Grace, and Metric fame. Yes, Stereos really has come a long way.

West Coast Smoker

British Columbia:

Death Happens

Love Happens
Directed by Brandon Camp. Starring Aaron Eckhart and Jennifer Aniston.
2/5 stars

Love Happens is a grossly mistitled film as it is largely about death. In fact, the third thought I had about the film after seeing it was that it really should’ve been called Death Happens (which gets funnier the more I think about it). My first thought was how much I enjoyed the film’s music, and the second one concerned my admiration for Aaron Eckhart, but I’ll get to those soon enough.

But it’s true: despite expectations and the film’s misleading previews, Love Happens is not a romantic comedy. It’s a depressing drama interspersed with mildly comedic bits and concludes with what I suppose would technically be considered a romance, although I think infatuation, not love, best describes the characters’ feelings for each other by film’s end.

Cleft-chinned Aaron Eckhart is Burke Ryan, a self-help writer whose book A-Okay aids people through their grief over the death of loved ones, which he wrote based on his own experiences after losing his wife in a car accident. While conducting one of his self-help seminars in a Seattle hotel, he encounters a florist named Eloise (Jennifer Aniston), who is more or less a mean-spirited bitch when we first meet her: Burke asks her out for a coffee, with just enough of the ol’ Eckhart charm and the classic Eckhart smile, and she turns him down by pretending to be deaf. He responds with the middle finger and she accuses him of chauvinism, the film’s attempt at sexual tension. You see, there’s really not that much romance here after all.

The problem is, while Burke preaches healing and helps others through their pain and fears, he hasn’t yet conquered his own pain and fear that resulted from his wife’s death. He disapproves of drinking as a grieving tool yet is a closet drunk himself. His hypocrisy and Dr. Phil-like façade are clichéd, and the film itself can’t decide whether to mock him or sympathize for him because of it, but Eckhart does what he can with the material and gives a decent performance, proving once again how good of an actor he really is. It’s the facial expressions and body language he does best, especially with highly troubled characters.

Eloise, although upfront about her feelings for Burke from the start (or near-start, if you include their bickering over her fake impairment), nevertheless spends the bulk of the film as his friend, assisting him while he tries to deal with his agony. The film is therefore, at the very least, able to avoid many of the sillier banalities of romance flicks. Eventually, of course, Burke is able to fight off his demons, and the film ends with Eloise accepting a more sincere date proposal from him.

Jennifer Aniston does a competent job but, then again, this role is not outside of her comfort zone. Why Aniston is always wearing a tuque, scarf, and winter jacket throughout the film when it clearly isn’t cold outside is beyond me.

Some of the best moments occur within a sub-plot about one of Burke’s self-help seminar attendees. John Carroll Lynch (Zodiac, Fargo) delivers a powerful performance as a man who lost his son in a construction-site accident, and his scenes with Eckhart really are touching. The rest of the supporting cast is meant to be the comedic relief, but Dan Fogler as Burke’s manager isn’t funny enough, and Judy Greer as Eloise’s friend isn’t funny at all, just downright annoying instead. Martin Sheen is Burke’s father-in-law and gives a Martin Sheen-like performance in his ten minutes of screen time, neither redeeming the film nor hindering it further; he’s just…there.

Oddly, I was most impressed by the music and the score. There are delightful and fitting songs from indie rock vets The Postal Service, Rogue Wave, and Eels, among others, that fit the tone perfectly, and award-winning composer Christopher Young has conducted both upbeat and melancholic compositions that really stand out.

So Love Happens has a few emotive and tender moments but is mostly trite. There are some standout performances but the acting is mediocre overall. The soundtrack is top notch but that’s about it, unless I wanted to compliment the film’s producers and location scouts for the beautiful Vancouver scenery that poses as Seattle, but that seems to be going out of my way to commend an otherwise bad movie with an even worse title.

Just skip the film and download the soundtrack.

I Wrote a Sonnet!

"Sonnet II"

Distance is such a cruel enemy
Thorns of madness stab with relentless force
I wear the crown to feel intimacy
But this suffering only makes things worse
I would die to cease the separation
Man indulged in fruit so that I may rise
Love for this goddess is my salvation
But I know her not so I idolize
This frightful darkness stems from detachment
A seeded need then for anguish and pain
I would yield for her divine attachment
But a false deity makes my death vain
So I hope my arrival is for not
And her failings will be what I have sought

Divine Right

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This interview was challenging to say the least. I was to spend a few moments with Dead and Divine guitarist Chris LeMasters before his band was to perform at the Silverstein concert in Toronto last week to talk about their upcoming album, the recording process, song-writing, new “drummer boy” Kyle Anderson, mythical creatures—all that jazz. While partaking in pre-interview drinking, it occurred to us we had no idea how the hell we were going to do this interview. We needed a quiet place to sit down and talk, but such a place is a tough find at a rock concert. We ended up in the quasi-restaurant located within the Opera House. I had only a few minutes before Kingdoms was to take the stage and ruin my capability to record the interview.

No time could be wasted. So we sat down and the server looked displeased because we were there to just talk. No food, no drinks. So I ordered a Coke out of guilt and Chris promised to buy a hamburger after the show, although, in true Dead and Divine style, he never did. It was a total bullshit lie.

Dead and Divine is Burlington’s post-hardcore antithesis to the city’s more pop-punk or screamo acts, such as Boys Night Out and Silverstein, with an attitude to match the heavy music. “We’re not mature,” admits LeMasters, in reference to the video blogs the band has been making to document the recording of their new album, The Machines We Are. “Right when we started doing pre-production on the record, our label gave us a video camera, and they were like, ‘Just fuck around with it, dudes. Just go nuts.’ We’re all complete idiots so we always wanted to document how stupid we are all the time. Anything that’s remotely funny or remotely stupid goes in the video blog. Absolutely none of it has anything to do with the recording.” In the latest video blog, posted on the band’s MySpace page, perhaps the funniest moment was when LeMasters showed the infamous “One Man, One Cup” video to the album’s producers and engineers while at the studio.

But Dead and Divine is serious about one thing: establishing themselves as a heavy hardcore band, especially after the release of their first full-length record The Fanciful early last year. As LeMasters explains, the songs on the upcoming The Machines We Are are going to be “heavy as fuck.”

In order to get their desired heavy sound, they took an efficacious approach: actually taking time off to write songs. “We were touring a lot and we always wanted to write heavier stuff, but the last time on The Fanciful we were sort of mixing songs we had written two years ago with new stuff, so we didn’t really get a chance to write everything on the spot, you know, actually take time off to just write an entire record all at once. So this time around it was easier because we took time off and focused one-hundred percent on writing.”

The addition of drummer Kyle Anderson to the band also had an effect on the song-writing. Anderson, formerly of the Burlington pop-punk band Sydney, joined Dead and Divine after former drummer Ryan Leger left last summer. “He’s great; he’s definitely an influence on (the song-writing),” remarks LeMasters. “He’s a super tight drummer so it’s rad having a dude like that in the band.”

Indeed, a new drummer exemplifies the roller-coaster ride full of new experiences that Dead and Divine has encountered over the past several months. They recently signed with Distort Entertainment, the record label that boasts such acts as Alexisonfire and Cancer Bats. “It’s refreshing because we had been working with the same dudes for a really long time, so it’s always nice to be able to have new people working with the band,” notes LeMasters. “It could really help us get more exposure. Distort is a super great label.”

Recording for The Machines We Are is also the first time the band has worked with a professional engineer and producer, as Eric Ratz (Cancer Bats, Billy Talent) and Garth Richardson (Red Hot Chili Peppers, Rage Against the Machine) are lending their services during recording at Vespa Studios, a top-of-the-line studio which is also a first for Dead and Divine. “We haven’t recorded there before so everything right now is really neat for us,” LeMasters admits. “We haven’t recorded with Kyle and we just met up with Ratz and Garth. (The album) will be heavy, beautiful, melodic, and lovely.”

When asked which mythical creature he would want to be, LeMasters’ answer was fitting. “Unicorn, by far; they’re majestic. Fuck yeah, man, it’d be awesome!” Majestic, just like he maintains the new album will be. The Machines We Are is slated for a summer 2009 release.

It's Not Me, It's You

He's Just Not That Into You
Directed By Ken Kwapis. Starring Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore, Scarlett Johansson, Justin Long, Jennifer Connelly, Ginnifer Goodwin, Kevin Connolly, and Bradley Cooper.
2/5 Stars

I don't even think if He’s Just Not That Into You knows whether or not it's a romantic comedy. I know I don't.

Here’s the lowdown: Gigi (Ginnifer Goodwin) likes Conor (Kevin Connolly), but he is infatuated with Anna (Scarlett Johansson), who in turn has a crush on Ben (Bradley Cooper). Ben also likes Anna but he is married to Janine (Jennifer Connelly), making Anna and Ben’s relationship difficult. Janine is friends with Beth (Jennifer Aniston), who is in a relationship with Ben’s friend Neil (Ben Affleck). Neil loves Beth but won’t marry her (the old “If it ain’t broke then why fix it?” philosophy). Janine and Beth are friends with Gigi, who begins a peculiar friendship with Conor’s friend Alex (Justin Long). Conor, meanwhile, gradually develops an intriguing business relationship with Anna’s friend Mary (Drew Barrymore). Simple, see?

I enjoyed the first 20 minutes of this movie immensely. It started off as a film not about a romance but just a film about romance itself, and all of the paranoia, nervousness, neurosis, and idiosyncrasies that come along with courting and flirting in our modern-day world. Even all of the dialogue concerning technology’s relationship to romance was spot on. I am also a highly neurotic guy who has the tendency to over-think a lot, which helped me to sympathize with Gigi, whom likely would merely just come off as a pathetic, paranoid SWF to most other men.

The problem is, after the first 20 minutes or so, we get it. There’s nothing much more this script can do. It juggles back and forth between so many barely interrelated side plots that there is no real main plot, and none of the relationships can develop.

I was one of the few men in the theatre in which I saw the film. When Neil finally proposed to Beth towards the end of the movie (this isn’t so much a spoiler because there’s nothing much to spoil; like I said, there’s not really a main plotline to this film, just a dozen sub-plots instead) all of the girls “aweeed” and cried but I just didn't care. Not a lick. Why should I care what happens to Neil and Beth when Ben Affleck and Jennifer Anniston have so little screen time? The movie is unfair to its audience, as it expects us to make an emotional investment into the characters and their relationships without in turn giving us anything to care about.

This isn’t the actors’ faults. They are all good and are capable (and have demonstrated before) that they can handle more in-depth material than this. Ben Affleck, for example, can play any role. Kevin Smith would cast Affleck as the shark in Jaws 5 and I wouldn’t object. But the screenplay gives them all no room to move.

Even at times when a scene has potential, the screenplay cuts it short to jump to another underdeveloped and less important story. The troubled marriage between Ben and Janine was one of only two relationships that I had any amount of interest in (the other being Gigi and Alex’s), and only because it played out as drama instead of comedy. They are in a hardware store and Ben confesses his infidelity. There was a loud gasp from the audience. I watched in curious anticipation, and we see Janine react and we sympathize, and there is a brief exchange of dialogue, but not nearly enough.

The film's ending at least is somewhat admirable. Not everybody gets the happy ending; in fact, three of the nine main characters end up being alone and miserable. The moral: some people live happily ever after and others don’t. Who would’ve thought from a romantic comedy...I think?

Not a Satirical Cop-Out

Paul Blart: Mall Cop
Directed by Steve Carr. Starring Kevin James and Jayma Mays.
3/5 Stars

McClane. Murtaugh. Riggs. Blart. One of these things is not like the others. Just saying it out loud makes me laugh—Paul Blart. Such a peculiar action-hero surname got me thinking that if I were to have a list of funny names that I would most want to hear a frog croak, Blart immediately goes to the top of that list.

After his hugely successful television sitcom The King of Queens went off the air in 2007, Kevin James has laid low since, with his only film being the poorly-received I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, released over a year ago. So what have James and producer Adam Sandler been brewing these past eighteen months? Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Yes, I know, this film has Adam Sandler written all over it, but I really wanted to see it. I realize any slapstick comedy produced by Sandler’s Happy Madison production company comes with an automatic red flag, but Kevin James is an irresistibly funny guy, and besides, there’s no way Happy Madison could sink lower than Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo. So I had high hopes of being amused.

My hopes were surpassed. Here’s the skinny: Paul Blart (Kevin James) is an overweight, single father who still lives at home with his mother. He is a security officer at a shopping mall in New Jersey who takes his job way too seriously (he patrols the mall on his Segway with an iron fist, at one point attempting to serve an elderly man a citation for reckless driving of a mobility scooter), and although he applied to the New Jersey State Police, he failed the obstacle course at the police academy. He has a crush on a girl named Amy (Lindsay Lohan-look-a-like Jayma Mays), who also works at the mall, and he has no idea how to talk to her. His mother and daughter get him to reluctantly create a profile on www.perfectmatch.com (he is reluctant not because he is desperate for a girlfriend but because he is embarrassed).

This description sounds like a typical, pathetic loser in many Sandler films; but Blart is also a really altruistic, nice guy, and compassion is a trait that most of Sandler’s characters unfortunately lack. In a movie without any gay jokes, nudity, toilet humour, or even swearing, it all adds up to being really adorable and funny.

The film is also surprisingly witty, as it is more of a satire of action-comedy films than it is a slapstick comedy. On Black Friday, a day after Thanksgiving and also the busiest shopping day of the year, a group of would-be terrorists take over the mall with a plan so incredibly insane you wonder if the thieves got high the night before while having a heist-movie marathon. Regardless, they take several hostages, including Amy and Blart’s daughter, Maya (Raini Rodriguez), and as circumstance would have it, the only man who can save the day is Paul Blart.

The film turns into a wildly funny, imaginative, and action-packed Die Hard scenario: one unarmed man versus a large group of armed terrorists who can’t be reasoned with. That one man, however, is an overweight security officer named Paul Blart, who knocks the thieves out, one by one, by leading them into cat-and-mouse scenarios including the old hiding-in-a-ventilation-shaft trick, the disguising-yourself-as-a-hockey-goalie-in-a-sporting-goods-store routine, and the classic take-your-enemy-out-with-a-tanning-bed manoeuvre.

There’s even a scene satirizing tough guy one-liners themselves in which a police officer is being ordered around by the arrogant SWAT leader (a common occurrence in these types of films) so Blart’s boss, the head of mall security, gives the officer a notepad of one-liners to throw back at the guy, including “You and what army?” to which the officer responds by saying “But he does have an army!” It’s all very funny stuff, and not once do the characters ever turn and wink at the camera. Paul Blart is in a ridiculously funny situation but what keeps it funny is him being able to keep it believable.

Untimely Encounters

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Directed by David Fincher. Starring Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett.
3/5 Stars

There is an elderly man in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button who claims to have been struck by lightening seven times throughout his life. Whenever he encounters Benjamin Button (Brad Pitt)—which occurs sporadically over several years—he makes conversation by telling him about each lightening strike. Even after this man’s death, the motif carries on as lightening, or at least stormy-like weather, occurs during key moments as the characters’ lives progress. The film is also told entirely in flashback, as a woman reads Button’s diary to her dying mother in a New Orleans hospital while Hurricane Katrina relentlessly approaches.

Temporality is really the star of this film. This Forrest Gump-style of storytelling (not surprisingly, the same screenwriter wrote both films) presents the life of Benjamin Button from birth to death. But what is so curious about Benjamin’s life is that while he is living in a world in which everyone and everything is moving forwards, he is moving backwards; he was born as an old man, and as he ages he grows physically younger.

Based on an F. Scott Fitzgerald short story, this idea is indeed an intriguing concept. The film is also splendidly made: the cinematography is simply beautiful; the makeup and special effects are astounding; and David Fincher (Fight Club, Zodiac), in his third collaboration with Brad Pitt, should be awarded with his first Best Director nomination at the upcoming Oscars.

The acting too is superb. Brad Pitt masterfully portrays Benjamin in all stages of life. How he effectively captures the emotions and the mentality of a young boy who has the physical characteristics of someone much older is fascinating to watch. Pitt surely put in a lot of effort in adapting his body language in order for it to be manipulated by computers so he could appear to have the height of a young boy, all while under heavy makeup.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button could maybe even become a favourite for Best Picture. With all of its sublime qualities, it would be easy to label it as a great film. Believe me when I say that I want to give it that label. I really do. I immensely enjoyed watching it and was totally immersed in the story during the whole two hour and forty-six minute running time.

The film simply cannot work with how it structured Benjamin’s life and his romance with his childhood friend Daisy (Cate Blanchett); it rejects all logic of time and romance. Yes, the film is fictional, I understand that. But even fantasy has to be presented as logical. Benjamin is born as an old man in an infant’s body and ages into a regular infant. His life is not circular, or even partially circular. It is still projected onto a linear line like everyone else's, it's just moving backwards for him. This problem is what the screenplay fails to realize.

The romance is flawed because Benjamin ages backwards. When they are younger and in their early thirties (although he looks much older), Daisy presents herself to Benjamin but he declines, thankfully, but why? Is he worried about the physical age difference, or any sexual thoughts he has of her as a young child? Later, when their physical ages meet during the middle of their respective lives, they finally do make love. Now they ruined it! Does he not have the same image of her as a child? Does she not think of him as an old man? How could their initial friendship have evolved into this romance? Could they not see the future and where (or, when?) their lives were headed? Yes, but not until it was too late. In the end, when she visits him while he is a child, she acts as his mother and is not his lover. Why could they not have seen this happening when they first made love?

I have developed what I believe to be a conclusive list of scenarios to make this film logical within the story’s fictional concept: 1a) Benjamin ages into a fully-grown man who looks like an infant child (that would be weird); or, 1b) his biological mother gives birth to him as a fully-grown, elderly man (that would be interesting); 2a) Benjamin and Daisy do not fall in love and never have sex (that would be boring); or, 2b) as well as making love while being middle-aged, Benjamin accepts her love-making offer while they are younger, AND to bring closure to the relationship, as an elderly woman, Daisy must have sex with Benjamin when he is physically a young teenager (that would be awesome).

The New Pornographers

Zack and Miri Make a Porno
Written/Directed by Kevin Smith. Starring Seth Rogen, Elizabeth Banks, and Jason Mewes.
3.5/5 Stars

Kevin Smith was raised as a Catholic and he still attends mass occasionally. The corruption and evilness of sin has been deeply embedded in him since childhood. In some backwards-twisted, nonsensical, upside-down, Wacky World kind of way, it almost makes his films more charming and meaningful. Tits-and-ass jokes become endearing in Kevin Smith’s world.

A.O. Scott once commented that Smith’s films have a dirty mind but a pure heart. Zack and Miri Make a Porno isn’t so much an offensive, profanity-ridden sex romp but is instead a sweet, romantic-comedy under the guise of an offensive, profanity-ridden sex romp.

Kevin Smith is 38 with a wife and kid and he still thinks sex is dirty in a kind of giggly-schoolgirl way, and that it’s amusing to startle people with enough expletive language to fill a dictionary and then some. But the one consistent, underlying variable in almost all of Kevin Smith’s movies is that, at the end, there is always some tender message about love, friendships, or even religion.

Is Zack and Miri really that offensive though? Well, there are so many vulgarities in the dialogue that if the film were ever to be broadcasted on primetime, it would be cut down to about twelve minutes in length and still have enough bleeps in it that it would make the sound of a fire alarm welcoming. And the rumoured Jason Mewes sex tape that Kevin Smith has suggested need not be surfaced: the film has its fair share of soft-core sex and even the long-awaited debut of Mewes' penis. But, alas, the eventual romance that blooms between Zack and Miri is ever more endearing for it all.

I suppose there is a plot summary in due order here but it is not particularly necessary. The setup: Zack (Seth Rogen) and Miri (Elizabeth Banks) are lifelong, platonic friends and housemates who are flat broke. The action: they gather a group of friends and would-be porn stars to make a porno so they can pay their bills and avoid eviction. The conclusion: well, that’s all too obvious, isn’t it?

But everyone already knows the ending before even walking into the theatre. It’s how Zack and Miri fall in love which is the exciting part. The dialogue is so refreshing that you just want to transcribe it, lick it endlessly and sleep with it between your legs.

Every conversation between Zack and Miri—from how they wouldn’t let the sex affect their friendship, to how it had affected their friendship when it eventually happened, and finally to the “after we had sex I realized that after all these years that I love you” talk—is so rich, original, and, well, funny, that you can almost excuse Smith for placing the dialogue within the almost overdone context of friends who don’t want to ruin what they got with sex but end up falling in love regardless. As a result, there aren't many narrative surprises in this movie.

But Smith has grown visually, something he has been doing gradually with each film. He maintains that he’s always been a great writer but only a so-so director. Not true. Although he may not be as good as Scorsese or Spielberg, he doesn’t have to be, either. Smith doesn’t write those types of films, and his directorial style perfectly matches his writing style.

Just like in Clerks II, Smith is able to pull off one of the most important scenes in the movie without an iota of talking: Zack and Miri’s much-anticipated first sexual encounter is the only love scene in a movie full of sex scenes.

Elizabeth Banks is adorable and you can do nothing but admire an actress’s range when she can go from playing the First Lady to playing a porn star in back-to-back weeks. It’s also nice to see Seth Rogen in a movie in which he’s not smoking weed. Not that I particularly disliked The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Knocked Up, Superbad, or The Pineapple Express; I was just getting tired of him playing the same stoner character in every movie. He is funny here and it’s a welcoming change.

So what more can I really say? It’s true: Kevin Smith has a hit on his hands. It’s not as good as Chasing Amy or Clerks; but I laughed...a lot.

Pals Against Cancer

“A menagerie of successful, talented bands” was the response to the question of “who’s playing?” at this year’s Brofest. But Brofest 2008 is more than just a concert.
Yes, the lineup is indeed a menagerie of successful, talented bands, but the concert is also for worthwhile cause, with all of the event’s proceeds going towards the fight against cancer.
It’s also a way for many people part of the local music community to remember a friend who lost his fight, and for many, that opportunity to remember is infinitely more important than a lineup of bands. Brofest began in the fall of 2006 to honour Nicholas Hurlbut, a dear friend and beloved member of the Burlington music scene who had succumbed to cancer that summer.
From its humble beginnings at the Burlington YMCA, Brofest—now an annual charity concert—has grown to a large three-day event. This year’s lineup includes Silverstein, Dead and Divine, I Am Committing a Sin, Oceans, Lifestory: Monologue, and Titan.

“The first (Brofest concert) was totally reactionary (to Nicholas’ death) and ended up being really cathartic,” notes Ryan Henderson, guitarist for I Am Committing a Sin and co-organizer of this year’s event, along with Silverstein's Paul Koehler.

“With the second one, we’re like ‘OK, well, this is the opportunity we have to build on the success of this, and to celebrate Nick’s life a year from now and just kind of build upon the importance and the responsibility that we built in the community.’”

“A utilitarian concert,” Paul Rousseau, fellow member of I Am Committing a Sin, chimed in.

“With this year,” Henderson continued, “there were a few choices that we had to make which would’ve either leaned more toward keeping in line with the grassroots spirit of the first two events or more toward a bigger, greater-good mentality, if you will, which is something we leaned more toward this year, from the lineup to the venue and everything. It’s structured to bring more people into it and more exposure to what we’re about and our cause.”

This year’s expanded weekend event, running from Oct. 3-5, includes the Punk Rock Basketball Tournament and Covers for a Cure, in addition to the shows.

The basketball tournament will be a round-robin style tournament at the Burlington YMCA featuring members of various local bands and others involved in the local music scene. Fans will also have the opportunity to request cover songs from some of their favourite bands during Covers for a Cure.

Henderson had a lot of good things to say about all of the events. “Hopefully Covers for a Cure will have a sort of karaoke dynamic to it, so maybe fans can come up on stage and cover some of their favourite bands whom happen to be at the event.

“The basketball tournament will feature a bunch of people who can’t really play basketball and will be open to the public. I think kids are really going to like seeing members of Silverstein play basketball. Paul Koehler in jean shorts, I guess."
Rousseau was intrigued by the thought. “Cut-off shorts?”

“Yeah, they’d be cut-off jean shorts, actually,” replied Henderson, “my cut-off sister’s jeans.” Christie Hurlbut, Nick’s sister, corrected Henderson: “you said ‘my cut-off sister’s jeans’ when you meant to say ‘my sister’s cut-off jeans.’"
“Half of girls!” Rousseau joked.

Everyone laughed.
A sense of humour is important for helping everyone get through this serious subject matter, but as Henderson maintains, remembering Nick and keeping Brofest a personalized, local event is just as important.

“Certainly Nick’s passion for music has been a strong propellant in us continuing to do this and continuing to do it with so much passion. There is a weird dichotomy, though, between wanting to make the event bigger and more successful with each passing year but also wanting to keep it as intensely personal as we can. It is a local thing for sure and always will be, but our goal is to make it as big of a local thing as we possibly can.”

“What’s most important is that almost every band involved had a personal connection to Nick,” adds Rousseau.

This year’s Brofest concert will be held on Friday, Oct. 3 at 24/7 Live (formerly The Kingdom), 1400 Plains Rd. E., Burlington, ON. Tickets are $15 and can be purchased at Dr. Disc (Hamilton), Looney Tunes (Burlington), Burlington YMCA Youth Centre, or online at www.ticketscene.ca. The doors open at 6:00 p.m.

All proceeds from the event will be collected by the Nicholas Hurlbut Memorial Fund and donated to The Carpenter Hospice.